Monday, November 15, 2010

How do you say goodbye, how is goodbye possible

Maida M. Sy

August 1,1991- November 15,2010
Today I watched a mother beg the lifeless body of her to daughter to wake up knowing that she will never wake up.  Today I saw a beautiful 19 year old girl lay in a hospital bed with a machine breathing for her and a tube sticking out of her skull.  I kissed the sweet face of a girl who loved my nephew and called me Auntie as if I really were her Auntie.  I too begged her to wake up, I begged God to wake her up.  This life was taken away from us by a drunk driver who walked away from the accident with his life and will now have to live with the consequences of his actions.  I am supposed to believe in forgiveness. This event is really testing my belief system and I pray not for myself but for her family who lost their only child, for my nephew who lost the love of his life, and for the world that lost a beautiful, sweet, loving, talented, bright, ----there are not enough words to fit this post to describe her. I am not ready for forgiveness.  I don't feel hatred in my heart but I have no compassion for this person either.  I won't feel sorry for him when they lock him up.  I won't feel bad about him missing his family. I don't feel bad about the fact that he will spend the rest of his life in jail and miss out on the joys of getting married, having children and celebrating Holiday with his family.  Because a face that I looked forward to seeing at my dinner table this year will not be there all because he thought it was ok to get behind the wheel of a car after drinking all night.  This beautiful face, that beautiful smile in this beautiful picture that I took with my own camera last Easter out our "karaoke" party will never sing with her sweet voice on this Earth again.

I am as heartbroken and heartbroken gets.  But come hell or high water I will be at her service next to my nephew and try not to ask God why this had to happen.  And beg Him everyday for the ability to forgive her murderer.  Because that's what he did when he got in that car drunk.  He committed murder.

Our Mai was a kindred spirit- an artist and a curious book worm who always wanted to poke through my art supplies and my books when she came to my house.  I was planning to buy her one of my favorite field guides for Christmas.  The last time I saw her, the 3 of us took a walk on the beach at dusk and  watched the sky turn colors and laughing in the dark.  She danced in my living room and we practiced speaking French because she wanted to visit France one day, like me. Not only did she speak French but English and Tagalog, the home language of my mother's giving her extra brownie points.   I always saved my make up to give her whenever I got a buy one/get one or if I changed my mind and thought it looked better on her. I sent her a facebook message just the other day telling her I wanted her to record a video with me for my youtube channel.    She would come to my house full of stories about how it was to be raised in by Filipino parents who didn't recognize their American daughter because she knew I had been there done that.  We would laugh together about it and I would imitate my mom for her.  They brought her here so that she would have a better education and a better life not so that they could bury her.  I loved her not only because she loved a boy who is as dear to me as if I had given birth to him myself but also because of who she was and what I saw in her heart.  I want the world to know how sweet she was and how much we all loved her.   I want the world to know that a piece of goodness and beauty is gone from it.


super des said...

Oh my gosh Pea, I am so so so sorry for your loss. I hope that guy meets his own untimely death, after suffering greatly for what he did, and I hope your family can find some sort of solace.

Anonymous said...

This is so terribly sad. I am so sorry for Mai's family and for yours. God love ya, sweetie.

justme said...

oh Pea...i'm so sorry. i started reading in disbelief. that is horrible....please take care of yourself

sherhai said...

im sorry. it shames me that it was my friend driving that car. it pains me to lose a friend but even worse that he could be so selfsish and carless to take someone so beautiful with so much life to live. it hurts to see him take hits from the military and the civilian world but he deserves eveything he gets.
i hope you and yours can get through this anyway you can.

r.i.p mai

Pea said...

I appreciate your comment. And see here's the thing- every time there's been messages from the people who know him there's always the mention of how much they "feel for him" or how much it hurts to "see him go through this"- why do we need to hear about that? Why does everyone need to mention what HE's going through? None of us give flying fuck or even want to know what he's going through. If I never hear his name again, life would be just fine. Just an etiquette tip- when one is offering condolences for the family of a victim, it's not a good idea to mention the murderer-even if it is in critique. I really believe your sincerity but please do not mention this person again. I am a human being- I know that he also has people in his life who love him and are also being affected by this but right now we're not interested. One of the reasons-and I didn't want to post about it because I didn't want to make any posts ABOUT him but-he's been getting so many "I hate you"s because of his decision to post pictures of himself in the hospital just hours after this happened prompting this huge pity party on his Facebook page, leaving out the important details of what happened. It took everything inside me not to send messages to each of the "enabling" comments that his friends and family left him. Being an alcoholic is not a good enough excuse and some of those "oh just learn from your mistakes" and "this kind of thing happens everyday" comments on his page were absolutely infuriating and disgusting. No wonder his life ended up this way with so many "enablers" surrounding him. I know a lot of people sent angry messages which was probably why eventually his page got hidden. We're all also angry about the fact that according to witnesses, people tried to stop him and that he has a previous driving record. I'm really sorry to go off on you. I really and truly appreciate your kind words. As a Christian I believe in forgiveness and I pray that we can someday forgive as God will forgive. I will pray for his family and out of respect for their privacy I never mentioned his name and never will.

sherhai said...

its fine really.
i honestly understand.
i didnt quite understand the comments they were making either.
saying everything happend for a reason just was way out of line for the situation. i caouldnt understand how ppl could honetly think that. but it became apparent that they werent totally aware of the entire thing. but it had always been like that. he has always been treated like his mistakes would just go away.

as his friend i kinda want him to sit there for as long as they can hold him. this is one mistake that obliterates anything ever said or done between us and now its time for him to pay for what he stole.

i send my prayers ,love concern and the sincerest apology for a grest loss. i only wish words could adequately express what they body wants to convey.

as for maida.
well, i hope this dosent come iff as werid but i wrote this for her.

we were the same age.
born the same year.
maybe we liked similar things?
maybe we couldve been friends?
but from the beginnig we were sisters.
my sister.
in god.
gods sweet child.
did you have to go home so early?
was there no time for that first meeting?
that first laugh?
all moments i would have cherished.
your sweet smile is burned
into the minds of those who loved you
but i'll never know the warmth you had to share
when you look down from those streets of gold
hear these words and take them with you.
you are missed

R.I.P Maida.M.Sy

"a friend lost. an angel gained"