Still missing her

A subscriber of mine(from my youtube channel) sent me this video of a song that broke my heart this morning. I'm not even a fan of country music but this song sounds so much like our Mai that I absolutely lost it this morning listening to it. Here's the video below, this is actually a cover and I searched for the original and it's good too but I think because this girl is so young and her voice is so sweet and innocent, I prefer this version:




Here's the original video which is good to but her voice sounds more mature and polished.



But this song is so much what I need to hear even though it brought back emotions that are still very raw. And the lyrics haunt me since basically Mai was buried in her prom dress which is white satin and her coffin was full of roses. And that "boy in town" who'll love her forever is my nephew and he's been so lost without her.

I'm still worried about my nephew. He's not doing so good right now which is expected. In so many ways this loss was worse than when my Grandparents died. Not because I loved them any less just because when they left me behind I didn't feel like they were cheated out of a full life. We were able to send them away with hearts full of a lifetime of memories but not Mai. Christmas is just two weeks away and it's cold so there's this childish part of me that thinks of her at the bottom of a dark hole all alone.  I need to get the "plunkplunk" sound of the flowers hitting the casket when they lowered her down there out of my mind so that I can sleep at night again. I need to get the look of my nephew's face from that day out of my mind but the truth is he still looks that way. So yeah. The Holidays this year aren't easy and I've been faking it.



If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song

Lord make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my mother
She'll know I'm safe with you when she stands under my colors
Oh, and life ain't always what you think it ought to be, no
Ain't even gray, but she buries her baby

The sharp knife of a short life
Well, I've had just enough time

If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song

The sharp knife of a short life
Well, I've had just enough time

And I'll be wearing white when I come into your kingdom
I'm as green as the ring on my little cold finger
I've never known the loving of a man
But it sure felt nice when he was holding my hand


There's a boy here in town, says he'll love me forever
Who would have thought forever could be severed by
The sharp knife of a short life
Well, I've had just enough time

So put on your best, boys, and I'll wear my pearls
What I never did is done

A penny for my thoughts, oh no, I'll sell 'em for a dollar
They're worth so much more after I'm a goner
And maybe then you'll hear the words I been singing
Funny, when you're dead how people start listening

If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song

The ballad of a dove
Go with peace and love
Gather up your tears, keep 'em in your pocket
Save them for a time when you're really gonna need them, oh

The sharp knife of a short life
Well, I've had just enough time
So put on your best, boys
And I'll wear my pearls

There's no such thing as "back to normal"

....after a tragedy such as this.

 I know it's been pretty depressing over here, but I've never been one to hide feelings.  I am making an effort  to be myself again.  I do want to show my nephew that he can be happy again someday so I try not to get emotional in front of him.  He's 21 years old but he'll forever be my sister's first baby.  The baby I used to hold on a rocking chair and change diapers for.  Who followed me around and called me "Ann-shell".  So watching his face today as they put her in the ground I almost lost control of myself.  I told his friends to keep surrounding him.  They've been great and I'm thankful for that.  I'll take him to bring some flowers to her grave sometime this week.


I was thinking about maybe organizing a sign waving event.  Like a "Don't Drink and Drive" poster waving group at the place where it happened one weekend or 2 as we get closer to the Holidays.  I'm not exactly sure how much good it will do since by now I've known 3 people who've been affected by Drunk Driving. But it might be something healthy to do instead of focusing on how angry we all are.  I'm not sure, I'll have to think about it.  I wouldn't even know where to start but it's been on my mind.  I don't want to be a Debbie Downer, my gosh,  it's the Holiday Season.  People will be celebrating at parties and having a good time, I don't expect us all to adhere to new prohibition laws.  It was just something I was thinking about maybe doing that could get our energies focused on something proactive instead of all the negative thoughts that we're all having.  Anyone have any ideas let me know.....


Other than I don't have anything to report.  I have a routine blood exam starting on Monday with Thyrogen injections(for an accurate reading without the misery of going off Synthroid) but I'm not even worried about it. All signs have been pointing to good health (except for my damn ankle!) for over 2 years now and my doctor doesn't expect any changes.  Anyway, I hope everyone is having a great weekend and I'll be blog visiting and catching up as much as I can this week.

In Memory of Mai

A beautiful girl was taken away from us by a drunk driver. I want the world to see how full of life she was. Words can't describe how broken hearted we all are. Her family will always have a special place in our hearts and prayers.

Please Don't Drink and Drive.

How do you say goodbye, how is goodbye possible

Maida M. Sy

August 1,1991- November 15,2010

Today I watched a mother beg the lifeless body of her to daughter to wake up knowing that she will never wake up.  Today I saw a beautiful 19 year old girl lay in a hospital bed with a machine breathing for her and a tube sticking out of her skull.  I kissed the sweet face of a girl who loved my nephew and called me Auntie as if I really were her Auntie.  I too begged her to wake up, I begged God to wake her up.  This life was taken away from us by a drunk driver who walked away from the accident with his life and will now have to live with the consequences of his actions.  I am supposed to believe in forgiveness. This event is really testing my belief system and I pray not for myself but for her family who lost their only child, for my nephew who lost the love of his life, and for the world that lost a beautiful, sweet, loving, talented, bright, ----there are not enough words to fit this post to describe her. I am not ready for forgiveness.  I don't feel hatred in my heart but I have no compassion for this person either.  I won't feel sorry for him when they lock him up.  I won't feel bad about him missing his family. I don't feel bad about the fact that he will spend the rest of his life in jail and miss out on the joys of getting married, having children and celebrating Holiday with his family.  Because a face that I looked forward to seeing at my dinner table this year will not be there all because he thought it was ok to get behind the wheel of a car after drinking all night.  This beautiful face, that beautiful smile in this beautiful picture that I took with my own camera last Easter out our "karaoke" party will never sing with her sweet voice on this Earth again.

I am as heartbroken and heartbroken gets.  But come hell or high water I will be at her service next to my nephew and try not to ask God why this had to happen.  And beg Him everyday for the ability to forgive her murderer.  Because that's what he did when he got in that car drunk.  He committed murder.


Our Mai was a kindred spirit- an artist and a curious book worm who always wanted to poke through my art supplies and my books when she came to my house.  I was planning to buy her one of my favorite field guides for Christmas.  The last time I saw her, the 3 of us took a walk on the beach at dusk and  watched the sky turn colors and laughing in the dark.  She danced in my living room and we practiced speaking French because she wanted to visit France one day, like me. Not only did she speak French but English and Tagalog, the home language of my mother's giving her extra brownie points.   I always saved my make up to give her whenever I got a buy one/get one or if I changed my mind and thought it looked better on her. I sent her a facebook message just the other day telling her I wanted her to record a video with me for my youtube channel.    She would come to my house full of stories about how it was to be raised in by Filipino parents who didn't recognize their American daughter because she knew I had been there done that.  We would laugh together about it and I would imitate my mom for her.  They brought her here so that she would have a better education and a better life not so that they could bury her.  I loved her not only because she loved a boy who is as dear to me as if I had given birth to him myself but also because of who she was and what I saw in her heart.  I want the world to know how sweet she was and how much we all loved her.   I want the world to know that a piece of goodness and beauty is gone from it.

Goodbye Dear BlogFriend

I just found out about the loss of one of my very first BlogFriends.  Chani, our Thailand Gal from Finding My Way Home passed away a while back ago and I had no idea until HeartinSanFrancisco was nice enough to let me know after I had left a comment for Chani without reading through everyone else's.  As I mentioned, Chani was one of my very first BlogFriends back when I started LittlePea and sent me encouraging emails and comments about writing and posting that I now regret not saving.  I looked up to Chani's blog a lot because she had the ability to write with such vulnerability.  Her writing about her flaws, ups and downs, her utter "humanness"   took a lot of courage that I wish I had. She also sent me a lot of messages when I was sick and book suggestions for me to keep me occupied during my convalescence which, considering we had never met in person, were a perfect fit for my reading tastes. I am sure her talents were myriad, most of them unknown to us, but her blog posts were absolutely phenomenal and always had a way of hitting one on the head with a new way of thinking or perhaps some thought provoking insight that were always so damn spot on.  I know that she grew up in Los Angeles, loved Simon and Garfunkel, loved to walk in the fog every morning, had a little dog companion named Shanti and was just on the verge of a fresh start in a new apartment.  Her spirit had other plans and she died of a heart attack before she could physically start over but I truly believe with all my heart that she found her way back to her heart's home which is Thailand.  She was loved there as well as here on the internets.  Chani,  Bon Voyage and we'll miss you.  But I'm glad you went home......